12 Conversations to Have With Your Son as He Grows Up

    A father and his teenage son working side by side at a garage workbench, repairing a small mechanical part together under a workshop lamp

    You do not need twelve speeches or a perfect moment. Choose one topic that fits your son's life, listen to what he already understands and return to it as things change. These conversations are for fathers and other parents or carers. They do not depend on a particular family structure.

    Adapt the language to his age, understanding and communication needs. There are no birthday deadlines. Everyday boundaries can be discussed with younger children; more detailed relationship and independence conversations can develop later. Use a calm moment, not the middle of an argument. Each opener below is a suggestion, not a script you must finish.

    1. His body and personal boundaries

    Opener: Your body will change as you grow. You can ask me about anything that feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable.

    Listening question: Is there anything you have heard about growing up that you want explained?

    Follow-up: Find an age-appropriate, reliable explanation together, such as the NHS guide to puberty. Respect his privacy and do not tease him about changes. If you do not know an answer, say so and get appropriate advice rather than guessing. Puberty starts at different ages. If his changes begin before 9 or have not started by around 14, ask your GP for advice.

    2. Friendships and belonging

    Opener: A friendship should leave room for both people to be themselves.

    Listening question: What makes you feel comfortable with a friend, and what makes that harder?

    Follow-up: Discuss one example without labelling all his friends good or bad. Practise a simple way to decline something, such as That is not for me. Help him identify a trusted adult if bullying or pressure is involved.

    3. Money and choices

    Opener: We all have to choose what to spend, save or leave for later.

    Listening question: Is there something you would like to plan or save for?

    Follow-up: Work through a small, realistic budget together. Include the full cost and a little room for changes. Avoid using family financial worries to make him feel responsible for problems adults need to handle.

    4. Online pressure and privacy

    Opener: You can tell me if someone online makes you uncomfortable, even if you think you have broken a rule.

    Listening question: What sort of messages or requests make it difficult to say no?

    Follow-up: Explore privacy and reporting settings together. Discuss pressure to share personal information, images or sexual content without blaming the person being pressured. If something harmful has happened, focus first on safety and seek appropriate support, rather than simply removing access and ending the conversation.

    5. Alcohol, drugs and a safe way home

    Opener: If a situation feels unsafe, contact me or another agreed adult. We will deal with getting you safe first.

    Listening question: What could make it difficult to ask for a lift or leave a gathering?

    Follow-up: Agree who he can call and a backup if that person cannot answer. Do not promise to delay medical help or ignore danger until morning. Keep the safety plan separate from a later calm conversation about boundaries. If you think he has been drinking or using drugs, wait until he is sober to talk, and avoid accusing him. If he or a friend needs urgent help after drinking or taking drugs, call 999 and tell the ambulance crew everything you know. FRANK offers confidential advice to parents and young people on 0300 123 6600.

    6. Relationships, respect and consent

    Opener: Whatever a person's gender, both people in a relationship should feel safe, respected and free to say no.

    Listening question: How could someone tell that the other person feels uncomfortable or wants to stop?

    Follow-up: Explain that agreement must be freely chosen, not pressured, and can change. Stop if someone is unhappy or unsure. Discuss age-appropriate relationship education, contraception and sexual health as relevant, using reliable information rather than assumptions. He can ask for help if a relationship feels controlling.

    7. Disappointment and losing

    Opener: It can hurt when something important does not go your way. You do not have to make it sound fine.

    Listening question: Would you like me to listen, or help work out what happens next?

    Follow-up: Separate the disappointment from a judgement about his worth. When he is ready, choose one manageable next step. Do not insist on finding a lesson while he is still upset.

    8. Identity and people he admires

    Opener: There is no single way you have to act to prove yourself as a boy or a man.

    Listening question: Who do you admire, and which parts of what they do matter to you?

    Follow-up: Talk about kindness, responsibility and respect through a real example he chooses. Look critically at online messages without mocking his interests. Leave room for him to explore his own values and disagree respectfully.

    9. Mistakes and making things right

    Opener: Making a mistake does not mean you cannot repair some of the harm.

    Listening question: Which part can you take responsibility for, and what help would you need?

    Follow-up: Agree a specific action, such as an apology, replacing something damaged or asking for advice. Keep it proportionate. Model an honest apology yourself when appropriate, without inventing a story or making him manage your feelings.

    10. Family changes, loss and memories

    Opener: Families change, and people can feel differently about the same change.

    Listening question: Is there someone you miss, or something about our family you would like to understand?

    Follow-up: Offer an activity he chooses, such as sharing a photograph, recording a relative's story or remembering someone who has died. Do not assume all relatives are available, safe or people he wants contact with. Leave him free not to take part. After a death, use plain, truthful words and keep familiar routines where you can. If grief is affecting him in ways you cannot support, a specialist bereavement charity such as Winston's Wish can help.

    11. Difficult feelings and asking for help

    Opener: You do not have to deal with a worrying feeling on your own, and it does not have to sound serious enough to tell me.

    Listening question: Who could you talk to if coming to me felt difficult?

    Follow-up: Name another trusted adult and how to reach them. He can also contact Childline on 0800 1111 or Samaritans on 116 123, free and at any time. If he mentions self-harm or feeling unsafe, listen and seek professional help. Do not promise secrecy or wait for a fixed period before responding. The support routes below are there when they are needed.

    12. Everyday independence

    Opener: Being more independent includes knowing how to do practical jobs and when to ask for help.

    Listening question: Which everyday task would you like to handle more confidently?

    Follow-up: Choose one suitable job, such as preparing a simple meal with supervision, planning a journey or understanding an appointment letter. Demonstrate it, let him try and agree where support is still needed. Independence does not require leaving home by a set age.

    Keep the conversation open

    You can revisit an awkward conversation. Acknowledge what you got wrong and try again without demanding a reply. Offer a message or another trusted adult if talking with you is difficult. Keep listening without using every opening to deliver advice.

    If you are worried about his wellbeing, ask a GP for advice. In England, urgent mental health support is available through NHS 111's mental health option or an urgent GP appointment; elsewhere use the local service. For UK readers, call 999 or go to A&E now if his life is at risk or you cannot keep him safe. A serious injury or overdose needs immediate help, not a later conversation.

    Choose one topic, agree one useful follow-up and leave room for another day. The relationship matters more than completing the list.

    About this guide

    This guide shares general information from the NHS and UK charities, linked below. It is not medical or legal advice and cannot assess your son's situation. If you are worried, speak to your GP or his school. Last reviewed: 10 November 2026.

    Sources and related reading

    NSPCC supports short, informal relationship conversations, non-judgemental listening, freely chosen consent, checking comfort and the right to change one's mind. Its online-safety guidance supports calm discussions, privacy, help with pressure and other trusted adults. NHS supports concern-led GP advice and the urgent-help routes. NHS puberty guidance supports the GP timing advice. FRANK supports talking when he is sober, not accusing him, the 999 step and its own helpline. Welsh Government parenting guidance supports plain language, routines and specialist bereavement support. Childline and Samaritans confirm their own contact details. Budgeting, practical tasks and the sample phrases are suggestions, not researched outcome claims. This is not a legal or clinical guide.

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    Jeremy Jonathan
      Jeremy Jonathan writes Kids on Block for parents and carers raising boys and girls, with practical guides to family life, learning and growing up.

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